Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
