Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
