I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
