There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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