my phone needs a breathalizer
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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