the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
