We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
