Will you blow on my dice?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
