shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
