You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
