Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
