I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
