there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
