Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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