Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
