But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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