so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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