I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
