Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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