booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
