you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
