If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
