We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
