I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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