Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
