I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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