I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
