I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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