if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
