so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
