You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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