id be glad to
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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