We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
