Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
