Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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