my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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