We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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