Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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