I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
