You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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