i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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