Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
