Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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