So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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