I faked an abortion last night.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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