btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
