I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
