What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
