I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
