she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
