i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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